Old Starfish… New Trick.

So Old Starfish (Read 60, 70, and 80’s) that we are forced to support wanted and I quote “Them shiny new kinda phones” They called Head boss on his cell, instead of putting in a ticket. I now understand why they did not put a ticket it none of them know how to use a computer. The “Shiny” Phones are VoIP system and required us to wire their building as they did not have the infrastructure. We install 3 of them and gave them instructions on how to use them …. Yep seems we went horribly wrong we tried to teach the Old Starfish. So on Monday we get a call from Head Boss’s assistant all pissed off because Old Starfish called to complain that the Shiny phones don’t work and that we screwed up. I sent my tech out to have a look and he comes back laughing. He tells me the phones work just fine and that the Old Starfish had forward phone A to Phone B and phone B to Phone C and Phone C to Phone A……

Yep phone would ring once and send the call to the next phone. On a creative scale of working to cause a problem I give them an 8.7!

We know everything!!!

So I had a shop top Boss we will call Butters, and just like Butters was never quite sure what was going on but was always blamed for everything. Well one day I walked in to the shop and sat down, Butters walked in about a minute later grabbed some paper work and stated he was going to go see Super Boss. I sitting there at my Computer said “Don’t do it don’t go up there” He tells me to shut up that he knows what’s up. I respond “You’re going to regret going up to see Super boss” He walks out the door. 5 Minutes later the door opens and closes. Now my back is to the door but I can tell its Butters and he is just staring at me. I turn around and he says “How did you know Super Boss was pissed off I just got my ass handed to me” I looked at him and said in my most dead calm voice, “I am IT we know EVERYTHING” He kind of chuckles and mumbles then walks out. About 4 days later almost the same thing goes down but with Butters going to see a different department Boss. When he came back he again asked me how I knew. I just smiled and went back to work. A week later he came and asked if it was safe to go see Super boss and where he was. It was safe and I knew he was out on Deck. Butters looks at me skeptically but says ok. 10 Minutes later he comes back and asks “How in the hell do you do that” I just smiled and from that day on Butters listened to every word I said.

What Butters did not know was the first time I had been near Super Boss Office and heard him railing several people right before I went to the shop, The Second time I had just received a call from Other Department and they were all pissed off, and the Third time I knew the Super Boss was in a good mood due to a tech upgrade I provided and knew that the current evolutions going on required him to be “On Deck”

It’s the Law of Scotty “ Always look like a miracle Worker”

Marley Wanabe and Mrs. Nice.

So one day at DoD place a while back I encountered the Marley wanabe. Now MW was from Jamaica but decided there were better opportunities working for DoD and becoming a US Citizen. One day I see MW giving a fellow DoD person a lot of shit. We will call her Mrs. Nice. Now Mrs. Nice and I are of the same pay grade and MW is 3 below us. I see Mrs. Nice getting frustrated and upset at MW refusal to listen or do as she orders. (She was his supervisor) So I step up and ask Mrs. Nice if she wanted me to deal with the situation. She smiles and says that would be great thanks. Now I’m over 6 ft. tall and weigh in at a good 240 pound. MW is about 5 ft. tall and maybe weighed in at 160. I ask him what his issue was with Mrs. Nice, his response was “Well it’s my culture I don’t have to respect women” I point out he is in America and joined my DoD team and that we do. He replies with “Well you have to understand in my culture we don’t and that’s how I live”. I step up in front of him so he has to crane his neck back to look up at me and quietly say “Well I’m Scottish decent and we like to throw telephone poles at people for fun… would you like to step outside and discuss our respective cultures?” MW “No, no thank you ummm..” Me “are you going to give Mrs. Nice any more shit”. MW “No” Mrs. Nice he is all yours any issue let me know. Seems after that MW never talked crap again.

Somedays you don’t need to use the clue bat you just have to take it out a parade it around.

Sadim “Bless his heart”

So we had a coerker we called Sadim, it’s the word MIDAS spelt backwards. That’s because everything he touched turned to shyte. Most of the time it was because he would decide to think for himself, and well he was not very good in that capacity.
So one day we get a call from a starfish that a printer had stopped working. We send Sadim out since a printer issue is a very low level problem to solve. After about an hour of him trouble shooting he comes back to the shop and announces to us all that the printer in starfish office is DOA and needs to be replaced…..
What he did not know was 10 sec after he left starfish’s office, starfish had sent us all an email that ready.

Dear Geek people Well I have to hand it to him. Sadim really tried and bless his heart, but I found the problem 2 sec after he left… The power was turned off on the surge protector.
Thanks for trying Starfish.

Patrick touched something!!

So this is a past story but I feel it needs to be shared. It falls under coerker type.

So A Coerker same pay grade as me is given admin rights at racist boss direction, this against my recommendation that they be given an abacas and stick of chalk instead. Well Coerker promptly logs in to Serve X and flat lines it. By promptly I mean less than 24 hours. What Coerker was supposed to be doing was a simple Server Backup. Not sure how a Backup changed to Format partition. I pull their Admin rights and spend a week rebuilding the Server. Once done Racist boss demands I give them Admin rights back. I point out that they have the intelligence of Patrick from sponge bob and would be better suited to never touching a computer again. Racist boss plays the “I’m the boss” card so Patrick gets their Admin rights back. A week goes by and Patrick manages to not destroy anything then again Patrick spends most of the time on Facebook looking at new hair styles to try. A tasking from high in the world says update Server X. So Patrick is assigned this task much to my dismay. Patrick goes to Server X location and as my day was done I went to my bed. The next morning I see Patrick at turn over and Patrick states something went wrong…. “The Voices in my head all agreed the starfish needed to die” I ask Patrick what went wrong and Patrick says on Server Reboot the system won’t let any admin log in. Racist boss walks by and says I need to fix it before I can leave on my “liberty” the next morning. Well I drag Patrick to Server X and demand to know step by step what they had done. Patrick vehemently stated they followed the instructions to the letter… “mostly” …. “Pray tell what is mostly”? Seems Patrick forgot half the steps in the SOP for update. Which is funny as Patrick is holding the SOP in their hand. I take the SOP and make Patrick sit there while I go down item by item and find their first mistake. (Yes I know mine was ever letting them have admin) about an hour later Patrick managed to slip off and 8 hours after that I had the job finished and Server X was back online. A few weeks go by and not many issues as Patrick was in fear.. Something about me possibly breaking every one of their fingers. Well Patrick was again sent to do a backup.. ( I know does no one ever learn) The next day at turnover I am informed by Patrick that Server X is going nuts. I ask Patrick what they did and am told… nothing. After pressing Patrick on the issue and racist Boss telling me to leave Patrick alone I go take a look at Server X. The GUI wont let me login.. That is to say there is no login prompt. I manage to remote in the back and start looking at the system when Patrick shows up. I ask Patrick what did they “look at” Yesterday. Patrick says “Oh I fixed the Group Policies and then rebooted but that’s not the issue” ………. I ask Patrick “What GP did they fix” Patrick says “oh only this one and that one…. And maybe that one, and that one, and that one,” 30 minutes of that later I decided to rebuild. Seems Patrick had 1. Changed them because and I quote “They didn’t look Right” Never mind Patrick did not have a single MS cert. and 2. Because Patrick did not know what ones they had touched. I removed Patrick’s Admin rights and told Racist boss to take it up with their boss as I was sending this one up the chain.