Pepe Le Pew

One of the coworkers I had in our Cybersecurity Division down in the Land of Endless Summers, I called Pepe Le Pew.

The reason is, he was a walking talking sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. He blatantly hit on women, insisting on touching them whether they wanted to be touched or not, and when they shrank away, he got legitimately offended. A couple women even went so far as to tell him that if he ever touched them again, they’d break his fingers, or worse, but that didn’t stop him. If anything, it made it worse and he took it as a sign of their interest. He was also not the best smelling person in the world, and his hands always seemed to be very clammy, forcing most people, man or woman, to feel the overwhelming desire to wash their hands immediately after shaking his hand, or at the very least wipe their hands on their trousers.

Even other guys were grossed out and made completely uncomfortable by him. He’d come up to guys who were sitting in a chair, stand uncomfortably close behind them, put both of his hands on their shoulders, and watch in silence at whatever it was they were doing.And Pepe did this almost to the exclusion of his job, and when several of us tried to think of anything he did related to his job, we all came up empty, and the most he really ever did was answer the occasional email with something that had nothing to do with the original email, or with random stuff that basically confirmed that he was only interested in humping any female with a pulse, which only further grossed people out. How on earth he kept his job and got as FEW official complaints as he did was a matter of some debate within our department.

To the principal’s office for you!

Today, Bert tried to pawn off a local ticket onto us. It was for $dentalProgram, and upon opening the ticket, it was clear, Bert did no troubleshooting at all in the two days the ticket was stuck in his queue, despite the user being unable to do their job to perform dentistry on patients, some of whom had been waiting for months.

So I decided to let Bert have it… I replied to his email, CCing $localCIO, $assistantCIO, Bert’s boss, and his entire department. I asked what he wanted to have done with the ticket, who he needed it routed to, and upon looking at the ticket, noticing that Bert did no troubleshooting whatsoever, nor did he leave any indication that he did any work at all, since all he put in the email was a screencap of the ticket.

After a few more replies back & forth from Bert, in which he replied only to me (I made sure to re-add everyone he tried to delete from the email string), $localCIO demanded Bert come to his office immediately. After about an hour, $localCIO emailed all of us back, telling Bert in no uncertain terms to do his job, to actually perform some troubleshooting on the ticket and update it accordingly, and in the future, he needs to perform all these steps BEFORE contacting us at The Matrix.

We at the Matrix were almost unanimous in offering to buy $localCIO a beer.

Hell really is other people

Starting today, a decision was apparently made by someone somewhere else that the Tier 1 Desk Monkeys will begin dumping the vast majority of their work onto us. Pretty much the only things they’ll be doing are creating initial tickets for local issues during normal business hours. This means, on top of already dealing with local tickets after hours and on weekends (including calling the local on-call techs), we at The Matrix are now responsible for creating, editing, updating and maintaining Outage Notifications, which have been the bane of a lot of people’s existence, especially those that involve just one issue at a single site. The major problem with this also is that for Outage Notifications, the Tier 1 Desk Monkeys have had the bad habit the last couple months of putting someone from The Matrix as a point of contact for a local site, even if that Matrix tech is 500 miles away from $localSite. Any and all requests for them to stop this fell on deaf ears, and they continues to do so. And any time emails are sent out for such notifications, they have our names on it, but show is as part of the Tier 1 Desk Monkey’s group and not The Matrix.

Case in point: I got a call from a Tier 1 Desk Monkey, saying she created $ticket and $outageNotification for $localSite. Problem is, we at The Matrix were well aware that $localSite had already submitted their own Outage Notification and about a dozen tickets, since it was for routine maintenance that, as a courtesy, they had notified the Desk Monkeys several days prior. When I explained this to the Tier 1 Desk Monkey, she was adamant that I take what she had just created and contact $localSite myself, despite the fact that both were duplicates of existing information, which $localSite was obviously well aware of being that THEY created them, point blank telling me that they were under orders that effective today, The Matrix was responsible for doing all these things for them. When I closed out both $outageRequest and $ticket a few minutes later, the same Tier 1 Desk Monkey IM’d me and wondered why I had closed them. When I explained to the Desk Monkey yet again that these were duplicates of existing items $localSite had already put in, she claimed ignorance, despite the fact I had told her exactly the same information a few minutes earlier.

When I brought this up to $supervisor in the group chat, one of the other Matrix techs chimed in and said that she was told the exact same thing by another Tier 1 Desk Monkey, despite the fact that there was no SOP, no formal memorandum, and no notification whatsoever that we were to take over these duties as of today. $supervisor point blank told us that until we got something official, to not create, update, or close Outage Notifications under any circumstances, and if we got any further calls from the Desk Monkeys, to route to $supervisor immediately. If any complaints came down regarding this, $supervisor would take the heat for it in the meantime.

All of us at The Matrix were in full agreement that this was almost certainly due to the Tier 1 Desk Monkeys taking a lot of heat lately for royally screwing up Outage Notifications, conference calls, and other things over the last few months, and rightfully so considering that they insisted that people join conference calls for issues they had no involvement in, put names of people as a POC on Outage Notifications that weren’t even at that site, requested updates from people who had nothing to do with the issue, and generally made pests of themselves by requesting updates from us, in some cases, 30 seconds after dumping it on is (and I’m not exaggerating, I was on the phone with one Desk Monkey and another IM’d me asking me for an update). Our guess was, dumping all these things onto us at The Matrix was Tier 1’s way of deflecting blame onto us, and making sure that when this whole thing blows up, we’ll be the ones left holding the bag.

Gotta love family!

Just got an email from $parental.

“Skippy, I just bought a 128GB thumb drive and would it make sense to copy the entire contents of the 80GB drive on $oldLaptop, then transfer it to $newLaptop’s secondary drive? I want to make sure I don’t lose any files from it. Can I call you to walk me through the transfer or is there a simpler way to do this?”

It took me a few seconds to register the magnitude of what $parental was asking, and replied back saying that copying the entire damn drive would be a rather epic waste of time and space, since he only really needed a few dozen files of the (potentially) several hundred thousand files on the entire drive that had accumulated in the decade he owned $oldLaptop, which still had XP on it, and to just copy what was in his My Documents and on his Desktop and that should cover almost everything. I also mentioned I already had plans tonight that involved me not taking calls.

Oy, my brain hurts…

The End User Virus

This is the same user from my story i create my own problems then bitch about them:
today’s incident was first she couldnt launch the accounting software. I think ok lets see what the error is.
So i look at it and and see the shortcut goes no place further examination the drive map is gone
remap the drive program luanches
then 5 minutes later she comes over her password didnt work
she wanted to know why i changed it
i dont have access to the accounting software
she calls the accountant who is a moron and he cant figure it out
kicks back to me says it’s not the software it’s my problem btw this accountant hadnt heard of business using active directory ever and dint understand why it was used.
Found he had made or had her make a new shortcut that threw up a memory access error
i find he pointed to a new drive and a different directory that is not where the data is grrr….
deleted his drive map
mapped it back to where it was
copied back over the short cut from the directory and it worked this time